What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 13:55
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
What will help me to get a bigger butt naturally?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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I said to her
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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It was going to be , some day.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He knew the spot.
When she asked me how she looked .
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She married twice! .
Where can I get sure fixed matches on Instagram?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was very sick at this time too.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was 9 years of age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Who then, do I blame.?
All the time i was locked up.
I never cut or harmed myself..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She loved him until the end.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Would this be the day?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I think the readers, may guess!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Comes on , in middle age.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She found it foreign!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My family never makes their pension either.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was seconnd youngest,
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was scared of men, in general
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was in good health!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I waited trembling.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We were not on the streets..
I don,t even have a pension.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Ive learnt so much.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I have no regrets .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
This is how, and why children get BPD.
What did i know ?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I will be 64.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One cannot live in the past .
But, we were locked up after school.
We all went to grammer schools
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But it wasn’t much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She wouldn,t have been !
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Put me off passion for life!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I write beautiful poetry .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My life is so biszare .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So, i spoilt her more .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im still living with it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And i lived it daily.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
This is soul school!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!